oh i've had such a blast! such a magical journey. truly fairytale like, and an absolute dream come true. i've seen so much, discovered a world which i never knew existed. ok yes i knew europe existed geographically, but really, the depth beneath the existence of a this continent - the buildings, architecture, nature, people, and most importantly, life.

i've seen what it's like to live in kiruna - the ways of people living in sub zero temperatures, in a land higher in latitude than iceland. i've seen the french - their romantic (lustful?) culture, noticed the subtleness of the variations in accents (oui - oowee ou ouway?), immitated british accents for days on end, almost died talking to a scottish. i freaked out, picturing a humble tiny self at the tip of those ice capped mountains in the distance, but eventually mustering courage to go down those amazing austrian ski slopes (although perhaps not the wisest decision of my life). i've realised how it felt to be a vagabond, homeless, destitute, and desperate - was i to survive a night out in the cold of negative ten degrees? or perhaps fate would smile down upon me and grant me a roof over my head for just one night - when the whole city was booked out? i was to discover the kindness of the human soul, when every hotel i went to helped me search high and low, across dozens of hotel in a tiny town, to find me a caravan which could put me up for the night. lost hungry and homeless, i was ready to take the next flight out of town. only problem was that i had already missed the last flight of the night. exciting. i've met the most wonderful people on this trip, people cultures and continents and timezones apart, seen how they live and how they think. i thought the free spirit was only made for the movies, thought belief and hope in true love were foolish, but i've learnt to see the beauty of it. i've learnt u can do anything in life as long as you believe. i've seen nature perform its magic - don't get me wrong, nature is magical down under - but the magic it works in other parts of the world? wow. oh and strangest thing yet, this trip found me stumbling into the US of A!

how i love rambling. the beauty of disorganisation. can u see it?

bloody blogging. i was in the midst of typing a wonderful entry and it suddenly popped into my mind that i should save. 2 seconds later my browswer refreshed and i lost everything. MURPHY.

anyways i forgot what i was saying, probably something along the lines of being nervous about going to europe for two months - what if i get homesick? what if the weather depresses me? what if i quarrel with my travel mates? oh man so many what ifs...

but i'm still so excited! i'm going to live and breathe europe! i don't just want to travel like a tourist, i'd want to speak with the locals, not just admire their country but see things from their perspective, i'd like to live like hwo they live and everything, but maybe i'm pushing it. perhaps i'd save that for next time when ihave all the time in the world. maybe.

omg i can't wait!

love.

speaking of which, i'm in the most cringeworthy situation possible. i shall not elaborate here for fear of people reading. but omg. gross gross gross. 'disgusting' to quote one, 'bad form' to quote another. oh wells i'll let him be. i don't think i'm really affected, though i should, so much that it borders on abnormality not to be affected... well maybe its because i'm so damn busy, or i'm in denial, either way its good, i'm moving on with life and loving it.

i've realised another thing. that i'm too young to commit. too immature perhaps... and yes heaps of people have said i've scored the bachelor of the century, ok exaggerated, but 'most eligible bachelor out of all the guys we know' were the words used. but yet i shut the door in his face. damn i must be honored huh. perhaps also damn stupid. but i've convinced myself the stable guy is great, but really right now i'd like an adventure. sounds cliched but true. zw doesn't like to babysit, zw doesnt like to make phone calls every other day, pacify and reassure, and be a kind and loving partner. not a very loving person i presume... but i'd like to think myself more passionate than loving. zw likes to explore, explore things, places, activities (ok now dont let ur mind stray, it's all good clean stuff) and really the good stable husband material kind cant satisfy that now. it's like, a fire to consume life, taste every nook and cranny of what my existence on earth has to offer... well, i guess taste everything except a stable relationship. omg 7 yrs before i'm of marriagable age. or even less. that's scary. but yet i don't think i'd want to be left on the shelf either.

i'd rather be a guy. 

after writing the most airy fairy entry that has been neatly popped away into my drafts folder...

its time to stop being a semi conscious airhead zw!

and so i need to pick my life up.

why is it that i always stumble when i first get into things. some people just dive right into it and start swimming. why cant life be like... i dunno... my first ski experience. or my first snowboard experience. i fell twice the first time i skiied and that's it. could do everything decently afterwards. why doesn't it work the same way for other things!? argh. i'm starting to believe in my own incompetence. disgusting. oh the need to impress at interviews. i'm fkd... argh. ok chill. 3 yrs to get your act together. actually no, by then it'll be too late. say, get ur act together now. now. now.

europe trip's a pain. planning's a pain. though i know i'll wish i planned more when i'm actually there. just like for merimbula, though i did enjoy the chillax feel of it and the spontaneity of things. the waterbombs. ha! loved it. save the bruise i sustained as a result of underestimating the size of my thighs (i ran into a tap and got a bruise the siz of a.. hmm.. male palm.

ok gotta get out and get rail tix now...

somehow i think history is repeating itself, just the complete reversal of it... what someone once did to me, i'm doing to another... and to think that he'd be so bitter about it, such ugliness, a side i never saw and i could never have seen coming. of people i thought he was one of the most beautiful things i've ever seen. but yesterday changed everything, and to think that i was actually reconsidering my decision! were those his true colours that i saw last night? i'd like to think not, but if they were, if they were just hiding there waiting to shown one day, then i'm glad i didn't wait for that day to come.

and i am going to watch phantom with him next week. good luck to me.

i guess i strolled away too fine, while my heart went out to him he took a good stab at it, congrats.

its really not worth my time huh... i've a pretty strong resolve, i shld be able to keep it out of my mind for as long as i can will it to disappear. hopefully. but ugh, come tuesday. wonder waht the others will think.

felt such an urge to blog again, not  like anyone reads it but it's still an outlet nevertheless.

i hope he's fine, i don't think i could have hurt anyone more. i don't know why i let it go, i wouldn't say it felt 100% right, and actually i am contemplating taking back my words, if it were indeed possible. it's such a shame isn't it. another instance of taking loved ones for granted, and i don't change. i know it but i don't do anything about it, in fact i accept it and feel sorry for those who love me. i somehow think karma will get me back, and for some reason i'm not afraid, somewhat think i'm deserving of it. if it were necessary for justice in this world then i guess i'd take it. why did this all happen in the first place? because i just couldnt continue with it, but actually continuing isn't as hard as this. never really saw this coming. sure i was guilt tripped, sure i felt like i had wronged, but now i feel the same things, only to a greater degree. ouch.

it's exam time. i'd better not slip into misery. maybe i shld have chosen a better time for this. but if i had continued on i'd be frustrated that i'm holding out. and now that i've let go of something so beautiful i feel nothing but guilt, never felt such guilt before. i don't know when i'd ever stumble across soemthing as perfect as this again, even if i did, would i be able to rebuild it anything as true, would i find another who could love me so, more importantly, would he be able to love another as much? i hope he's not scarred. i hope he can love again.

are people inherently masochistic? what is happiness without sadness, growth without challenge, life without pain? much as we say it is instinct to harming ourselves, putting ourselves in precarious situations, all in the name of self preservation, we do so nevertheless. we learn to ride a bike, knowing well we'd fall and bleed, we work too hard, knowing well we're physically exhausting ourselves, and we give our hearts away, knowing well they could broken, just like that. is hurting ourselves, really what makes life worthwhile? we say we grow, and we learn through our experiences, but are we merely scarring ourselves, and knowing that we've changed, say that we've grown? who is to say we have changed for the better?

aren't i sounding cryptic. this is the effect of reading legal theory, the opinions of aristotle, hobbes and dworkin. thinking about the world we live in today, in particular, war/terrorism/david hicks, and realising how sad we humans are. maybe the beauty lies in the fact that we're persistant, persistant to reach utopia, persistant to understand life. maybe that is the beauty of the human soul. but centuries after aristotle, has society really improved? we still ask the same questions, seek the same answers. are we searching for something that can never be found? this not only goes for mankind as a whole, but for ourselves as individual beings. our individual search for happiness, for love. how many of you would disagree, that this search is elusive? is it then elusive to the extent that it is pointless? or shall we say that through our elusive search for happiness we learn along the way? what of humans and learning from mistakes? what about the fact that history always repeats itself? such dilemmas.

legal theory is driving me nuts.

its been raining a bit in melbourne. that's good. considering our dams are at 32% of capacity. but the weather's really getting me down. i need sunshine. and complications with friends, school and jobs ain't helping much. it seems at times when i try to make everything well, when i try to make things good, it could all come crashing down. risk and uncertainty provokes fear. fear is the evil that suppresses love. and law is what protects individuals from fear, and fear is what individuals must have to embrace liberty. such is the nonsense that makes sense, of legal theory. ARGH.

been hard at work meeting up with friends lately! whoa damn tiring... really wish i didnt have to rush of to other places and could just spend nice relaxing time with them...

met kwek today... haha i love meeting old friends, we just clique. no matter how long u've been apart, how little u've talked in between... its so easy to hit off... its almost like u can just sit around and talk forever. oh. he said i was fat. stupid boy.

then met mommy and we went shopping for a bit... kept reminding me of my lost camera, its just, painful. haiz. ok lets not blog about such things.

then xxh and wanyu! sticks of a kind... like all my friends i guess... i know not a person fatter than me right now. how annoying! oh fellow overseas people, we should all come back to singapore and campaign for fat chicks. hahaha no i'm not saying ur fat... just not sticky! ok nvm i shall hold my tongue before someone cuts it off. anyways... we played daidee! and as usual xxh keeps winning... wanyu and i just take turns to be the ultimate loser, though i firmly believe she lost way more than i did.... haha

met darryl for supper... he finally put on more weight! always nice to meet him... takes a bit of effort to talk but yeah, its worth it. 4 yrs, and we still catch up regularly.

tmr's gonna be a long day. i'm already starting to dread it. but sigh, last 2 days. sadness. i love my friendssssssss

it was fun! meeting cousins whom i havent seen for 5, 10 years... wow how people change! and how some people don't! some of my cousins were barely recogniseable, some of them i remember as naughty little kids running around, making lotsa noise... its undescribable how strange it feels to meet these people you once knew yet kinda don't, and then again there not just friends or acquaintences, they're your kins. and i guess that changes things a little... like, u can just be yourself, they can just be them, and u'd have to take each other for who u are... which means things are very real, there's this unspoken bond between us just because we're related by blood, and so we really appreciate and accept each other for who we are.

just as i met the young, i also forged special ties with the old... i try to stand in their shoes when they see me for the first time since i was 5 or something... and to put it in my words, what i think they go through seems something like this, 'oh my holy crap! ah min has a daughter!? gosh she's so big! whoa this is scary! i must be old!' ok well maybe not... but yar... the usual 'whoa ur daughter's so old! whoa whoa whoa!' and my mom will be like 'yar, she eats rice u know...' hahaha i find it quite amusing coz i dont normally hear these things coz i rarely celebrate cny in the traditional way. but i think it's quite fun! visiting relatives and all... the older generation's inspired me to find my roots... i heard stories of their hardship and their sacrifices so that the next generation would be better off. so inexplicable is the selflessness love and life.

by the way,i have also been convinced that the Chinese are the most sophisticated and street smart people around, and thus i've resolved to maintain racial purity and not marry and angmoh just coz i want pretty kids. heh. don't i sound like hitler. i'm just kidding, but that's to quote one of my ozzie friends who was absolutely appalled that another of my friends found only caucasians hot.

i have 5 more days in singapore. how time flies

life was all well and peaceful for the past week or so. til love triangle nonsense came back to haunt me today. the enormity of the situation feels suppressed right now, but it has much potential to escalate to such an annoying one... i totally don't want to go back. haha i'm a drama mama, just to entertain myself, and perhaps u too.

so elusive is love...

this guy was telling me how he was gonna ask one of my girlfriends to date him, like, to be his girlfriend... got me so excited, i dreamt i got married that night. haha... to like... eye candy. and i knew it was terribly wrong... so i became a runaway bride. but how could i let a dream fall apart just like that? i dreamt a fairytale happy ending for myself... haha which kept me smiling the whole day. :)

i've been caught in a dilemma... lol i'm in a love triangle! well almost... it's quite funny, i thought those only existed in movies.... haha... complicated stuff... i have no idea what to do and am infinitely glad that i'm in singapore and not down under.

is anyone really worth waiting for? maybe not literally waiting, but what about saving that special place in your heart for them? why do people make the same mistake twice? why do people watch themselves make mistakes for which others have already paid the price? is love so blind as to render us irrational and lead us to nothing but deceit and pain?

went out with cutest chick... gave me the quote of the day 'i don't understand why i can't find one man for myself out of the two million men out there'.

visited smu today... so great to see everybody! esp my og and the bowlers ;) that warm sense of familiarity... how priceless :)

finally back in singapore!

initially i was all sad from pre departure depression syndrome... having to leave friends, family, colleagues... my work... won't get to talk to lovely eric no more! and all the funny-as engineers and coordinators from other companies... yeah it was a little sad, but i guess the fact that i didnt exactly go all out n make the most of my social opportunities there made leaving less difficult. then again, maybe a little hard too coz i kinda regret not being more active in talking to colleagues and stuff. oh well. it's finished. i'm doing weekends now which is a one man job. scary stuff. but i've got pretty awesome colleagues whom i can call if i need help. how nice are they...

and then there's friends... we've sorta been going out at least once a week in this grp of like 10... and there's always new additions which makes it interesting... think we'd all become quite close by the end of the yr, looking forward to my new 'family'... and then we all have friends of our own and i get invited to meet new people all the time.. really is fun. coming here feels a little like i'm missing out.. or it felt that way... but hey, there's so much here to embrace too!!!

reached this morning and been relaxing in my room since... spending great lone time, thinking, reflecting, loving life :) its like getting a bird's eye view of my life in oz coz i'm kinda detached from it